The Adult Attachment Interview

How Understanding Your Attachment Style Can Improve Your Relationships

Brenton Kirschner, LPC, LMFT, HPCP

Building strong, healthy relationships starts with understanding how you connect with others. Learning about adult attachment styles can help people feel more confident and connected, whether in romantic relationships, at work, or just in everyday life. The Adult Attachment Interview (AAI) is considered the best way to assess your attachment style, and recent research has taught us a lot about why it matters (Bakermans-Kranenburg et al., 2024).

What Is the Adult Attachment Interview?

The AAI is a structured clinical interview that looks at how you talk about your relationships with important people in your life, especially your caregivers. Instead of just asking you to fill out a questionnaire, it assesses to how you tell your story. This helps uncover patterns that you might not even be aware of, patterns that can affect how you relate to others today.

Researchers have used the AAI with over 26,000 people around the world. They found that most people who do not have major emotional struggles are "secure" and feel comfortable with closeness and independence. People who have more emotional challenges are more likely to have "insecure" or "unresolved" attachment styles, which can make relationships harder (Bakermans-Kranenburg et al., 2024).

Why Knowing Your Attachment Style Matters

Your attachment style shapes how you handle closeness, conflict, and trust. When you know your style, you can:

• Communicate better with loved ones

• Avoid unnecessary arguments

• Build trust and patience

• Grow and heal emotionally

• Increase your ability to lead others with emotional insight and intelligence

Administering the Adult Attachment Interview requires specialized training and certification. Professionals must complete intensive coursework, practice coding real interviews, and demonstrate reliability in scoring before they can offer this assessment. This process ensures that the results are accurate and truly helpful for clients. I am currently completing this training and am excited to announce that I will begin offering the Adult Attachment Interview assessment in the fall of 2026. If you are interested in learning more or want to be notified when appointments become available, please reach out.

The Four Main Attachment Styles

How the AAI Describes Attachment Styles:

1. Secure Attachment: People with a secure attachment style are comfortable with both closeness and independence. In relationships, they trust their partners, communicate openly, and handle conflict in a balanced way. They are able to share their feelings and needs, and they support their loved ones without feeling overwhelmed or distant.

   
   

2. Anxious (Preoccupied) Attachment: Individuals with an anxious attachment style often worry about being abandoned or unloved. In relationships, they may seek frequent reassurance, feel sensitive to changes in their partner’s mood, and sometimes become clingy or overly focused on the relationship. They may fear rejection and can feel upset if their partner seems distant.

   
   

3. Avoidant (Dismissing) Attachment: Those with an avoidant attachment style value independence and may keep their emotions private. In relationships, they might pull away when things get too close, avoid talking about feelings, and prefer to solve problems on their own. They can seem distant or emotionally unavailable, especially during conflict or stressful times.

   
   

4. Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized/Unresolved) Attachment: People with a fearful-avoidant or disorganized attachment style often feel torn between wanting closeness and fearing it. In relationships, they may send mixed signals, sometimes seeking intimacy and other times pushing their partner away. This can lead to unpredictable behavior, confusion, and emotional ups and downs for both partners.

Knowing your style can help you understand your reactions and make positive changes.

Can Attachment Styles Heal, Adapt, or Grow?

Attachment styles are not set in stone. With self-awareness, effort, and supportive relationships, people can heal, adapt, and grow beyond their original attachment patterns. Research shows that therapy, healthy partnerships, and personal reflection can help individuals move toward a more secure attachment style, even if they started out anxious, avoidant, or fearful. Over time, new experiences and positive connections can reshape how we relate to others, making it possible to build trust, communicate better, and feel more comfortable with closeness. Growth is always possible, and understanding your attachment style is the first step toward meaningful change.

How to Use This Knowledge in Your Life

Once you know your attachment style, here are some simple ways to use it:

• Notice your patterns: Pay attention to when you feel anxious, distant, or need reassurance.

• Talk about it: Share your style with your partner or friends so they understand your needs.

• Set boundaries: Know when to ask for space or say no if you are overwhelmed.

• Get support: A therapist or coach can help you work through deeper patterns.

• Be patient: Change takes time. Celebrate small steps and be kind to yourself.

Your Path to Better Connections

Learning about your attachment style is a powerful way to improve your relationships. It is not about labeling yourself. It is about understanding where you are starting and how you can grow. With awareness and practice, you can build stronger, more fulfilling connections.

If you are ready to learn more, consider taking an attachment style assessment. It is a simple step that can lead to big changes.

Reference

Bakermans-Kranenburg, M. J., Dagan, O., Cárcamo, R. A., & van IJzendoorn, M. H. (2024). Celebrating more than 26,000 adult attachment interviews: Mapping the main adult attachment classifications on personal, social, and clinical status. Attachment & Human Development. https://doi.org/10.1080/14616734.2024.2422045